Today I started the day early. Benefits of the jet lag. :) We have been away for some time. We were back home. And now we are back home. Evergreen paradox of the global living, switching countries, switching lives. :)
As I was walking down the beach this morning, I felt incredibly peaceful. I missed this beach. The beach that means in a way home to me for the last year. The smell of the sea, the sound of the waves, the morning sun. The space. The energy. The ocean bliss. And all the relaxed feelings it comes with. People taking it easy. Having a walk. Happy doggies running around, playing in the water. A total no stress attitude. A total slow down. Living the moment. It was good to be away a bit, and to look at it again, with a fresh eye.
I started thinking. Some time ago, I wouldn’t be able to enjoy this as much as I can right now. I just couldn’t slow down. There was always something distracting me from slowing down. I actually never wanted to slow down….
But then, becoming a mom and moving to New Zealand both made me drastically slow down. A slow down I secretly longed for, but strongly rebelled against. A slow down that changed a lot in my perception of life and everything around me.
This was one of the best things that has ever happened to me in my whole entire life.
And then we passed by the playground. It was very early. Noone around. The usually fully packed treadmill, one of the favourite spot of the kids, totally empty. I always wanted to try it. This seemed to be the perfect moment. :) Beauties of motherhood and letting out your inner child. :)
Running in a treadmill. It’s comfortable?! It’s yours. You know it. It’s the same laps over and over again. You don’t have to make an effort to do anything differently, because you have been doing it a zillion times. You might not even know how it is to be out of it. Out of your comfort zone. Or don’t remember it, because it’s been forever that you kept doing those predictable laps. Putting your feet one ahead of the other. Running in the same track. In your cozy, well-known, safe place, where no surprises arise unless you keep up with the pace and keep running. The only thing to focus on is to keep running, not to fall.
But then you fall. It’s shocking. It's sudden. It's scary. You fall out of the treadmill. No worries, you say to yourself, you will climb back. Yes, you are strong, you will climb back! Nothing will deter you from climbing back to your treadmill. You willingly climb back. And robotically, automatically continue doing those laps…
And then you fall again. Maybe, this time you get lucky (really, you think?) and can’t get back on your feet right away. The pain will stop you from moving, and climbing back. You try to stand up, but it takes more time. In the meantime, you have no choice, you start looking around. You start seeing that it is actually beautiful and calm out there. No need to run. No need to do the laps. You catch your breath. And you realise maybe you want to check how it feels like to be out of the treadmill. For a longer time…
You realise that your real strength shows up.
When reality greets you with a smile on its face.
“I told you. This is it. No, it’s not that. Don’t try to pretend, escape, explain. You just thought for a while that that’s it, but it’s not that, it’s this.”
And there is no escape. And yes, I see it now...
I had to admit. It was the harsh reality. Total surrender. I had to face myself. First reluctantly. Then somewhat acceptingly. Then ultimately, voluntarily and yearningly…
I am grateful for this beach for everything it has given me. To help me slow down. And to see that there is life out of the treadmill. Treadmill truth. You rock! :)
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