For many many years I had this drive in me. Or let's just call it a compulsion to conform. I always wanted to be someone. Not just anyone. Someone. When I got to be that someone, there was another someone to be again. I thought it is important to want to be someone. I always thought I had to be someone. I always thought I am someone. To prove myself and the world that I can do it. To feel important and to feel better. Better than others. Better than myself? To get acknowledged for all my efforts. To get reassured that I am doing the right thing. To be happy?! I have been thinking a lot lately. Haha, yes, I have plenty of time now, and the environment is so extremely inspiring. The timing of our move to New Zealand could have never come in a better moment. It is not just a simple trip. It is a much deeper journey of self-discovery for me, as you might remember from my first "cup of me". :) Maybe it's also the sweetest "side-effect" or essence of motherhood that makes me look inside of myself so much more and listen so much more to my feelings, not the mind. Some time ago, I would not be able to write all this down. Not even think about it. It would feel as if I am failing myself. And my pride... A game of self-confidence? Maybe. During these past few months, I came to terms with so many things in my life. With my past and present. I listened. I searched. I reflected. I digested. I did go through a lot of pain. I did feel extremely sad and alone at some point. I did feel hopeless. I did feel I just cannot deal with so much change in me. In my new way of thinking. In the way of seeing things in a new perspective, so alien from before, so rough yet pure. Suddenly just nothing seemed to make sense in the old way. As if my entire self had to collapse to be reborn... Scary. A bit spiritual and mystical. And true. Today, I realised I actually do not need to be someone. Why? Because it is just enough to be me. Just me. What a relief! What a liberation of all that pressure imposed on you by beliefs, by society. (Is this supposed to be my enlightenment??? :) No, I am probably still a long way from there...) Has the level of my ambitions changed? No. I still am ambitious. I still have goals and I will reach them. It's just the perception. I just can be me and enjoy being me. Finally. Without rushing off. Without masks. Without expectations. Without pretense. Without fear. Just enjoy. :) I hope it will last. ***Got inspired? So happy if you share ;)
10 Comments
Beautiful written, Bea! You are someone! Not anyone, and you are enough. It's so great to hear about your feelings and thoughts. Belive me you are not alone about this feelings, and yes I belive motherhood has a lot to do with it. I think it makes us realize we are amazing :D Lets be ambitious, lazy, brave, afraid, happy, sad and everything else. Life is a wonderful journey, lets make it long and full of life.
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BinspiratioNZ
5/11/2015 10:43:43
Thank you so much Ida!!!
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Natasha
5/11/2015 12:42:20
Bea, such marvelous trip to the inner you and discovery, I think you got it! Thank you very much for sharing this. So funny, because of your posts despite the distance I feel you so close and probably even closer than before! And for sure the motherhood plays a lot in what you feel, I'm also going through a lot of questions, doubts and fears, but at the same time thanks to the motherhood we live so much in the present moment, wich is just magical! Big hug and kisses!
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BinspiratioNZ
5/11/2015 13:32:08
Thank you Natasha, so happy to hear. I miss you guys a lot!
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Ingrid
5/11/2015 22:54:24
Nicely written Bea. I understand what you wrote. Its not easy to find the right words to describe those intense feelings. You're a great person! Big hug x
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BinspiratioNZ
5/11/2015 23:36:12
Thank you Ingrid :) It is hard to express, but I wanted to share it with you! Hope it worked. So glad to hear you got what I meant. x
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Lisa
6/11/2015 11:27:56
Wonderful post! It sounds like your journey has been tough but that you are finding out incredible things about yourself and the world around you. This post is very inspirational to others!
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BinspiratioNZ
9/11/2015 23:39:45
Thank you Lisa, yes, I feel something big is happening right now inside me. A whole new experience, and despite it is tough, I love to see this change. I hope it inspires people to look a bit inside and try to feel. And not to be afraid of it, as I was for a long time. :)
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Ellen
7/11/2015 00:51:03
Funny, for many of us (me including) being ourselves is the scariest thing to do. Though it is the most beautiful way we can be. And really the only one. Cause even trying the masks on, we do it in our unique way.
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BinspiratioNZ
9/11/2015 23:42:08
You got it so right, Ellen!!! We are all so scared of it, yet it is so natural, normal and great :) There is a super quote I read recently: "Be yourself, because everyone else is taken" :) Makes sense, right? xoxo
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