For many many years I had this drive in me. Or let's just call it a compulsion to conform. I always wanted to be someone. Not just anyone. Someone. When I got to be that someone, there was another someone to be again. I thought it is important to want to be someone. I always thought I had to be someone. I always thought I am someone.
To prove myself and the world that I can do it. To feel important and to feel better. Better than others. Better than myself? To get acknowledged for all my efforts. To get reassured that I am doing the right thing. To be happy?!
I have been thinking a lot lately. Haha, yes, I have plenty of time now, and the environment is so extremely inspiring. The timing of our move to New Zealand could have never come in a better moment. It is not just a simple trip. It is a much deeper journey of self-discovery for me, as you might remember from my first "cup of me". :) Maybe it's also the sweetest "side-effect" or essence of motherhood that makes me look inside of myself so much more and listen so much more to my feelings, not the mind.
Some time ago, I would not be able to write all this down. Not even think about it. It would feel as if I am failing myself. And my pride... A game of self-confidence? Maybe.
During these past few months, I came to terms with so many things in my life. With my past and present. I listened. I searched. I reflected. I digested. I did go through a lot of pain. I did feel extremely sad and alone at some point. I did feel hopeless. I did feel I just cannot deal with so much change in me. In my new way of thinking. In the way of seeing things in a new perspective, so alien from before, so rough yet pure. Suddenly just nothing seemed to make sense in the old way. As if my entire self had to collapse to be reborn... Scary. A bit spiritual and mystical. And true.
Today, I realised I actually do not need to be someone. Why? Because it is just enough to be me. Just me.
What a relief! What a liberation of all that pressure imposed on you by beliefs, by society. (Is this supposed to be my enlightenment??? :) No, I am probably still a long way from there...)
Has the level of my ambitions changed? No. I still am ambitious. I still have goals and I will reach them. It's just the perception.
I just can be me and enjoy being me. Finally. Without rushing off. Without masks. Without expectations. Without pretense. Without fear. Just enjoy. :)
I hope it will last.
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